I Wouldn't Go In There

There is a show on A&E about hoarding, it is in fact called "Hoarders". I watch it and am fascinated and repulsed at the same time. All the stuff piled ceiling high some of it treasures and some trash. There's always debris, petrified food, bugs, feces, and a tiny little trail where the person living in such conditions can travel either to a television viewing area or a bed. The worst offenders usually have animals living with them in those deplorable conditions and inevitably the team sent to set about the clean out process finds a few dead and decomposing bodies.

I have looked upon the lives of those featured and wondered just how they couldn't see what was surrounding them. I could never be like them. Among my many flaws you won't find an inability to throw out stuff or a need to hang onto every paper that my children bring home from school. Unorganized, yes. Skinny dress that hasn't fit my body in 18 years, yes. Would you want to open my closet doors? No, something might fall out. I also have several catch-all drawers filled to the brim with mostly junk. But am I a hoarder? The definition of  hoarder is a person who accumulates things and hides them away for future use.

Stuff I can let go of but feelings I can't. Feelings are nouns, nouns are things ,therefore, I think I am a hoarder of sorts. I hoard emotions. This was proved to me recently. Upon seeing a certain someone, a deluge of emotions came rushing to the forefront of my thoughts. Suddenly I felt surrounded by anxiety, bitterness, fearfulness all the hurt that I thought long ago thrown out. It was still there though hidden away, I'd just left myself a pathway through it. This was not a pleasant revelation and can most definitely fit the dictionary's definition.

My emotional hoarding has come into play in other situations (positively and negatively), I just really never connected the dots until today.  I think maybe I can better relate to the obliviousness of those hoarders on the show now, although the dead animals...don't think I'll ever understand how they missed noticing those.