Shattered

I am in mourning for the life I wished for my son. For the dreams I had for his life. Drugs and addiction have taken everything I had hoped for him away. I've made excuses and looked for the "why" and I am exhausted. I'm drained. Our family is drained, emotionally, financially I feel broken in spirit. I know I am not alone.  Every time our son calls we die a little bit more. The fear of will it be he's in jail or is he dead?  Unless there's a change soon those are the calls I am expecting---Tracey

                                   

I wrote that paragraph almost a year ago, I started a post back then and for all the feedback I've gotten from friends, customers, and readers about my transparency I just couldn't share it. It's mortifying as a mom, as a Christian, as a member of a small community to make this admission but here it is and the calls did come. But It's the one that came this week, the one that will make or break him. It's definitely breaking me. 

How do you tell people when they ask about your kids that your sweet, blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy is in jail? His potential thwarted by poor choices, his decisions made under the influence of any number of 

ingested, inhaled, injected substances. He is facing serious consequences as he should, as we all do when we test boundaries that should not be tested. 

We have hope, we still have hope. My baby will always be my baby and the love I have for him is written in every cell of my being and while this is no doubt not the path God planned for him to be on, it is the path he is on. My prayer now is that the consequences will have impact for future good,  that my son will draw strength from God that he will return to a right relationship with Him, that he will be able to be close with us, his family again, that he will come to have a  testimony that will bring others to Christ.  

I'm so glad that God can see his heart and knows his motivations and loves him still. My own heart is hurting God knows that too.  Forever and always my baby you'll be.

John 10:28, CSB: I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one will snatch them out of my hand.

2020 Return of the Living Dead

 Seriously though, 2020 who else is over it?  I thought I was but every month a new impending disaster looms and  if not new bring back the COVID.  Woke up this morning hoping to know the outcome of the presidential election ( really hoping to find out Trump had won) but no. 

Since we have to wait,  I began to pray for transparency, accuracy and any shenanigans that are being worked to be brought into light.  I was praying in regard to the voting but when you are talking to God and you say "any"  that leaves a door wide open. So, I have been convicted. My shenanigans have been brought into light.

My  heart has become a cold, dark place. Self centered and self serving. For 20 years of my adult life I was involved heavily in church stuff,  I confused church stuff with God stuff, teaching children's classes, adult classes, leading women's studies. My feelings became hardened toward church.  At home,  marriage not so great. My husband who is a good, decent,  religious man consistently trying to do the "right" thing was absent emotionally whether home or not, and absent physically due to his job for weeks and sometimes months at a time. Financially, he held all the cards figuratively but for the most part literally too  as he had control of credit and debit cards. I also became hardened to him.  

I took a job, regained some financial freedom. Quit going to church except when forced by my husband. I took back some controls I had relinquished. I felt happier than I had in many years but in that freedom I claimed I gave up much. I gave up on the church, I gave up on my marriage. I gave up my heart to the things of the world....  I tell you all that to tell you this.

That prayer of "being brought into the light" hit me hard. There are a great deal of "I used to's" and "I did's"  in my life right now but  not a lot of present tense happenings.  God spoke to my heart this morning and while the election is huge with consequences that are vast and definitely beyond me, he is using it to draw me back to Him, back to life, back to being conformed not to the world but to His image back to Light.  

I actually asked my family to pray for my bitchy side to be less and my sunny side to be more. I hope this is the beginning of  a less self-centered Tracey.  Living for more than the now.

Car business, a rant

So, I love my job. I may have said that a time or two.or twenty.  Selling cars is my jam and my bread and butter. I meet some amazing people (amazingly good and amazingly strange)

I come in on my days off, I stay until closing on my early weeks a lot of times and y'all I'm doing okay. I sell enough to make my bills and buy groceries but I know it's only by God's grace and goodness to me.

In my time here I've seen probably 50 salespeople come and go (that's in less than four years) it's a tough business to make a living in and I thought at some point I'd be one of the guys, I've met goals, been top salesman a couple of times even,  but truth is I'll never get to be a part of that "good ol' boys" club that is fueled by testosterone, sports talk, and the thrill that is knocking someone's head off, figuratively, of course.

 I want to be okay with that, I do. But then days and weeks like these bring it to the forefront of my mind and I get bogged down in the feelings  of insecurity of maybe I really don't belong here doing this thing.

It's been a male dominated profession for  so long, don't get me wrong there are many women who have navigated this career path successfully, and you know I really am doing okay.  I guess I'll just keep doing me and hold to the quote I have posted on my monitor "Worry less about others actions and more about your own".

I am driven in part by a need for validation and recognition, who am I kidding? I'm a super needy  estrogen filled mess. For as much as I don't get them without a shadow of a doubt they don't get me either.  :) but that's okay . There's a book title I recall from decades ago "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" we are different in so many ways and to be honest I like working with these men. I like the competitive nature of the job. I like that they've toughened me up a little, I do still cry here occasionally but not nearly like that first year I'm sure that's a relief to them. (haha)

Rant over, I feel better already.  If you need a car ( New Fords used anythings) give me a call or shoot me a text  678-588-3858 I would be a poor salesperson indeed if I did not have a shameless plug
I'm on Facebook too at "Tracey Cagle Don't Dream it Drive It"    https://www.facebook.com/CarSalesWomanLife/

Hey Y'all ....I'm Back Maybe?

Okay, so time has passed, things have changed.  I sell cars now. Fords to be exact, I am a bona fide, certified, Ford car sales person. I speak torque and horsepower and drive a Mustang. It's insane.  Who knew that  almost  middle aged women had new tricks?
Backing up is not one my tricks. Backing up big trucks even with cameras is not one of my tricks. So, the challenge of getting vehicles back in place is a great obstacle.

I'm going to try my hand at blogging again, maybe some about cars, probably mostly about life.  To be honest the car thing is going better than I could have imagined, the life thing not so much. Marriage has been better, I'm not going to kid you it's been worse too. We celebrated 25 years in July and last July I don't think anyone thought we would make it.  Divorce papers had been served.
I'm not where I once was in my relationship with the Lord either, it's been been better too.  I'm trying but I really struggle in the flesh.  Of course,  I know it is me who moved and not God so it's just a matter of finding my way back to my first love. Remembering the passion and newness, the wonder of Him and His goodness to me.

They say admitting a problem is the first step in overcoming it, with shame and regret I admit I have wandered.

Tracey
Missed Y'all :)

Just Call Me Carrie

Long time no inspiration, seriously though, having a 21 year old in college without a driver's license has been a challenge.  The fact is that said 21 year old still does not get up easily and battling his sleep predilections drains me. Truly. Physically and mentally it just wears me out but only one more week and he can get the license back. I am hoping for complete sanity restoration.

So.... onto the near death experience that inspired me to share again.

We traveled  from Georgia to Alabama for the Thanksgiving holiday on a very cold wet day,  The six of us went in two vehicles because I had to return home earlier than everyone else.  Sparta

 was in the lead with our two youngest and I followed with the older two. We were in the home stretch, at about  the fourth hour of a five hour trip when I lost control of the car. I was on an off ramp and picking up speed in the curve of a pretty steep hill, so I braked not realizing how very wet the roads were.   At this point it all became quite surreal, it felt like we were no longer touching pavement. I could hear Ben and Allison yelling  as we spun completely around, I could see the four cars that had been directly behind us, now in front of us for a split second and we continued to spin. I was trying to recall my driver's ed from thirty years back and remembered "don't press the brake while hydroplaning" but could not recall whether to turn into or out of the spin.......that is when I had a Carrie Underwood moment. No I didn't sing but I did lift my feet from the pedals and my hands from the steering wheel, it was a "Jesus Take the Wheel" kind of reaction and it worked. We stopped in the mud, on the shoulder, facing oncoming traffic about ten feet from a pretty steep drop off (from 9th grade Alabama history I recall the northwest area of the state being called the foothills of the Smokies although at that point in time it looked more like a full fledged mountain).

Allison and Ben had life flash experiences, Allison told me she thought about jumping out of the car because she KNEW we were going to die if we went over the edge.  Ben was pretty much speechless and I was laughing hysterically.  For me it's either laugh or fall apart and I choose to laugh, no doubt if I should run across a dead body someday I'll be suspect for my inappropriate response.

Do I really believe Jesus took control of my car? Well, prior to road trips we typically have a prayer in the car, for this particular trip I prayed specifically for a double hedge of protection as we traveled since there were going to be two automobiles on the road and I have to tell you I don't think one hedge could have kept us from continuing to slide right through that red mud and rolling right on down to the bottom of the hill. I am pretty sure taking one's hands off the steering wheel is not the recommended way to respond either. So, yes, yes I do believe that a higher power was in control.

Where was the second car in all this you might be asking? I did too.  They didn't have a clue what had happened,  About five miles down the road,  my hubby called to say he'd lost us. He had no idea how very close to actually being lost we  were.  

For Mothers of Almost Teenage Daughters...

my girls changing hair color
 

Things I have learned as my girls have gotten older

1.  If I buy them clothes without their input they will hate it...whatever it is.
2.  If I buy clothes for myself, they will take them.
3.  You can never have enough hairspray.
4.  You can never have too many bobby pins.
5.  Any toiletry item (razor, shampoo, shower gel etc.) you won't get to keep for long so get extra.
6.  Blowdryers, curling irons and straighteners are practically disposable. Buy the cheapest you can find
7. If you buy toothpaste for those over age 55, no one will take it.
8. Cute jewelry will not be yours long , buy cheap or hide it. This is also true of purses.
9.  Moods change in a breath.
10. Although said girls will look and smell fabulous (probably wearing your cashmere sweater, dangly earrings, chunky necklace and best fragrance) where ever they were while making themselves so lovely is probably now unsafe to enter.

A Hot Mess

My oldest daughter has a job therefore she has her own spending money and as any trend following teenage girl should, she spends it all on new clothes. She spends so much that she has no gas money to get to and from said job, but I digress.

A few days ago she asked me to iron one of her most recent acquisitions. I don't how we have lived together for almost 17 years without her realizing that I do not iron.  In fact,  I go to great lengths to avoid using that evil device.  I buy specially made spray to remove the rumples, the crinkles and unwanted creases. I'll run the dryer if needed. I will even turn on the shower to steam unsightly wrinkles away.  Mostly though, I carefully avoid buying wrinkle prone items.  I am a tag reader.  Seeing perma press or wrinkle free on a tag leaves me positively giddy.

I haven't always been this way.  There was a time I bought anything that looked pretty on the hanger(unfortunately this was during linen and raw silk's prime).There was a time I  worked in an office where the professional dress code was enforced. There was also a time I was running late for work and attempted to iron a wrinkled shirt while it was on my person. I still have the faint scar along my collar bone as proof that this was not one of my better ideas. However, the experience did teach me to read clothing labels :)

Usually, one time is all it takes for me to learn some of life's more valuable lessons. There's an old proverb that says "a fool learns from his own mistakes but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others".  Although sometimes foolish, I'm no fool.

When a friend recently commented that a story of personal hygiene gone wrong made her think of me, I wasn't offended in the least because she was right it does sound like something I might do.  I wouldn't recommend hot beverages while you read the following as there is a strong possibility you will be wearing a bit by the time you finish but here is a version of the tale  http://justmejulie.wordpress.com/2009/12/29/funny-waxing-story/   FYI, I won't be waxing ANYTHING at anytime.