Seriously though, 2020 who else is over it? I thought I was but every month a new impending disaster looms and if not new bring back the COVID. Woke up this morning hoping to know the outcome of the presidential election ( really hoping to find out Trump had won) but no.
Since we have to wait, I began to pray for transparency, accuracy and any shenanigans that are being worked to be brought into light. I was praying in regard to the voting but when you are talking to God and you say "any" that leaves a door wide open. So, I have been convicted. My shenanigans have been brought into light.
My heart has become a cold, dark place. Self centered and self serving. For 20 years of my adult life I was involved heavily in church stuff, I confused church stuff with God stuff, teaching children's classes, adult classes, leading women's studies. My feelings became hardened toward church. At home, marriage not so great. My husband who is a good, decent, religious man consistently trying to do the "right" thing was absent emotionally whether home or not, and absent physically due to his job for weeks and sometimes months at a time. Financially, he held all the cards figuratively but for the most part literally too as he had control of credit and debit cards. I also became hardened to him.
I took a job, regained some financial freedom. Quit going to church except when forced by my husband. I took back some controls I had relinquished. I felt happier than I had in many years but in that freedom I claimed I gave up much. I gave up on the church, I gave up on my marriage. I gave up my heart to the things of the world.... I tell you all that to tell you this.
That prayer of "being brought into the light" hit me hard. There are a great deal of "I used to's" and "I did's" in my life right now but not a lot of present tense happenings. God spoke to my heart this morning and while the election is huge with consequences that are vast and definitely beyond me, he is using it to draw me back to Him, back to life, back to being conformed not to the world but to His image back to Light.
I actually asked my family to pray for my bitchy side to be less and my sunny side to be more. I hope this is the beginning of a less self-centered Tracey. Living for more than the now.
